The Secrets to Fighting Loneliness

I ran a very informal, quite unscientific poll on Facebook and Twitter asking my friends to chime in: “Who do you turn to as your primary support group outside of family?”  The results offered no surprise: Only one of the 19 people who responded said that they run to their church group with problems, as opposed to others who confide in their barkada or friends group.

I will make a brave bet that most people would answer the same way. It is interesting to note this pattern when we consider loneliness. Philosopher and Nobel laureate Bertrand Russell said, “Those who have never known the deep intimacy and the intense companionship of happy mutual love have missed the best thing that life has to give.” The bonds of love between us and our family members, us and our friends, us and our church mates, strengthened by quality time spent in each other’s company—face-to-face or over technology—can be a powerful way to ward off our loneliness.

But Mr. Russell lived almost a half-century ago. Today, social scientists observe that instances of loneliness are trending up. Many blame it on social media: curated feeds lead many of us to unfavorably view the mundane minutiae of our lives against the highlights of our friends’ and acquaintances’. Some also see a rising sense of isolation: in a world that is so connected, we are become increasingly severed from meaningful relationships and conversations because of factors like the horrible transportation in Metro Manila that limits our mobility and ability to meet and connect with our friends, moving away from home, or the diaspora and our family members moving to other countries.

Therefore, how do we fight loneliness in the face of so many such hurdles?

The Bible tells us, that there is someone who we can always turn to, whose companionship and love we can count on: Jesus. John 15:13 tells us, “Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends.” How much are we spending time in His presence? How much time do we spend in conversation with him?

Motivational speaker Jim Rohn said: “You are the sum of your five closest friends. Make it count.” Proverbs 13:20 highlights the importance of spending time with the right companions: “Whoever walks with the wise becomes wise, but the companion of fools will suffer harm.” Perhaps it is good to ask ourselves: in seeking ways to address our loneliness, are we actively seeking companionship—face-to-face or virtual—with the right people? Is Jesus one of our five closest friends? If He is, are we finding solace in his teachings of love and promises of unconditional love, grace and salvation? What are we taking away from our bond with Him?

On the flipside of fighting our loneliness, we must also think of the quality of the companionship that we are providing to our friends. In Ephesians 4:32, we are told “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” Are we bringing them closer to Jesus? Are we generous with our time and attention to those who are reaching out for human connection?

It is an interesting scientific finding that shows a close correlation between giving and happiness. A Swiss study has discovered that the intention to be more generous to others consistently produced a better state of mind—and more reports of being happy.

I then posit that the secret to fighting off loneliness is two-fold: We must seek out good companionship—including that of Jesus; and we must make ourselves available to become good companions to others.

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This essay was originally written for The Feast Makati's weekly bulletin.